Time passes....

What to say?

I can't sleep tonight. So whilst checking stuff on my new netbook I decided to look up this blog and to my surprise, it's been over a year. So much has happened in that year. Whatever did happen?

I graduated - from Cert II and moved to Melbourne.

Melbourne is a wonderfully live city. So many things to do, so much to be done. My frenetic brain refuses to let me rest as always. Sadly, I have read less and watched more - not necessarily a bad thing since I'm working as a film teacher at the Victorian College for the Deaf and now have a far greater degree of appreciation for the workings of a motion picture.

I won the Able Australia DeafBlind photography awards, winning first place in the "Favorite Person" category and second in all others. Met many amazing people who have and still continue to inspire me. Took thousands more pictures. Secured myself a job as the official photographer of the 2012 Australian Deaf Games.

But somewhere deep down, I am still not content. Having finally stopped wasting my time doing nothing and becoming a 'man' (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean) and all that, why do I still have this... Feeling? I'm meant to be doing something. Something...
Am I just lonely? A sad, lonely weird brilliant nearly-blind man? I have the best company I could ask for. Friends that I truly love and appreciate my time with. I have money. I have the camera of my dreams. I've been single for years and don't really mind it - it's just a mindset after all, isn't it - but I do find myself questioning that at times. Have I suddenly found that I have plenty to do and started stuffing that into that missing part of myself hoping that it will fill the gap? If so, I'm surprised - thought I was smarter than that.

I really have been busy. Too busy. At times I just want to collapse and tell the rest of the world to go get stuffed. Then pack my camera and hitch around Australia as I should have done when I was 18. Forget all this stuff I own, it's just stuff. I can't remember the last truly good hug I got. No, that's wrong. I have had a few over the last month. I guess I just want to be wanted. Not wanted for what I'm good at but wanted as a whole.

I've watched many people rush around being loud and trying to impress others. Or being whatever but you know what I speak of. Sometimes it's hard not to want to go up to some people and shake them until they rattle and shout into their face that they're just wasting their time - they are beautiful, every one of them and they shouldn't be trying to be anything else but themselves. At least they have their eyes.

I'm losing mine. Pretty fast. Too much time on the computer isn't helping and neither are the smokes. The irony of all this is I actually use the smokes to get OFF the computer and sit outside and watch the sky. Huh. I love watching the sky. The blue is almost a direct challenge to me at times - capture it just right and it makes any picture glow but fail and you end up with a boring picture.

The trouble with one of my favorite quotes by Bryce Courtenay - "Pride is holding your head up when everyone else has theirs bowed. Courage is what makes you do it." - is that if I hold my head up, I can't see the floor. Or anything. Yeah, yeah, literally. I know it's a metaphor. Quibble quibble. Perhaps the best quote probably comes from E. E. Cummings:

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

Very well said, sir Cummings. And thank you, Emma, that quote has never left my mind since the day you texted it to me. Where are you? I miss you. And many others. I truly hope that at the very end, I can look back and in A B Facey's immortal words, consider that I had A Fortunate Life.

Meanwhile, I'll wander on. Moonshadow out.